The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
