I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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