dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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