What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
