I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
