remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
