i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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