she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
