just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
