not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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