We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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