he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
