How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
