I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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