I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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