i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
