I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
