oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize