i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
