when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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