The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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