the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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