Soap is not a condiment
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
