my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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