drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
