Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
