And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
