Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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