kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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