last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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