At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
