Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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