nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
