She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
