saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
