yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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