Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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