I've blown a few things in my day
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
