Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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