The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
