Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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