i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
