I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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