It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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