If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
