i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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