i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
