I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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