I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
