i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
