Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
