I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
