I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
