alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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