Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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