i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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