I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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