I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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