clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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