I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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