around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
