Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
