i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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