I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
