Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
