please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
